25 Random Facts About Me

OK – I know this is the big fad right now and, *whew*, pretty tough to come up with all of that (lol!)  Mark

1) I was born at 5:20 p.m. on May 17 at Pasadena Bayshore Hospital in Pasadena, Texas. A partially developed conjoined twin was embedded in my right buttock. I have since named him Mark2 and keep him in a shoe box under by side of the bed. To this day, every May 17 I pull him out and drink a toast to him. I laugh and cry and tell Mark2 what’s happened to me over the previous year and I imagine what he would say to me. As I imagine it, he’s kind of a sharp tongued bastard.

2) Pasadena, Texas really stinks (literally) and I have always wondered if I did something to cause that. My mother would always tell me that it used to smell better than average before I was born.

3) As I think back on it, Preschool was just fine, Elementary School was splendid, Junior High was orgasmic, and High School was nirvana. Since graduation, life has been a series of progressively bigger disappointments.

4) When I was growing up, my mother was always pretty open and clear that I was not her favorite, yet I am an only child.

5) I played the jug in a progressive rock band in college. Our one album, never released, was titled “A world on a speck of dust that’s part of a cell in the fingernail of God.”

6) At Star Trek parties, I always play the part of Spock. I always want to play the part of Chekov. Deep inside, I secretly feel like Sulu.

7) For some reason on Saturday nights, I frequently find myself balled up in the corner of my basement shrieking to myself. It’s my precious “me” time – my way of unwinding.

8) My favorite book of all time is the 1972 edition of The Farmers’ Almanac. A great read in an even greater typeface. Check out the footnotes!

9) I’ve been told by several people on different occasions that I have very bad breath, but I’ve decided it’s just “sour grapes” on their part.

10) Sometimes I fantasize that I’m Jack Bauer on 24. A baby has accidentally swallowed the location of a nuclear device that is set to go off within minutes, killing hundreds of thousands of people. ‘Cause I’m so tough-minded, I do what I must, tearing the baby open (I have no knife!) and killing it in order to save everyone.

11) I simply can’t tell you this one. I wish I could, but I just can’t. You would never think of me the same way again. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

12) Sometimes when I making lists like this, I think 25 random facts is a lot to know about one person. In times like that, I often think 10 higher quality random facts would be lot fucking better.

13) Like lots of people, I have my morning rituals. Unlike most, mine involve bloodletting and animal sacrifice (and of course, my coffee!!)

14) My favorite film is The Adventures of Pluto Nash. At least once a week, I pop in the DVD, open a bottle of wine, sit back in my favorite chair and just cry. For all of us.

15) I’m a chess nut. I used to like to hang out in a local coffee house and try to join in on the chess matches. I don’t really know how to play, but I can say things like “Of course that’s a legal move, genius!”, “Have you even READ the rules?!” and “So are you forfeiting?” until I’m asked to leave. In my book, a forfeit is a legitimate win.

16) At heart, I’m a shy and insecure person. For instance, at parties I sometimes try to curry favor with others by intentionally losing at Jenga on my first move.

17) I grew up in Texas, where it is true that everything’s bigger - including boils and abscesses, in my experience. While I will always love Texas, I was happy to have moved away for a variety of reasons. And – to be fair – perhaps it was all just a coincidence.

18) I always try to nurture my inner child, but sometimes I get drunk and my inner child does things to make me mad (pushes my buttons, y’know?) I do bad things, things I later regret - but I really love my inner child and I always beg him to forgive me. I’m working on my problem and I hope to soon regain custody.

19) I love music, but I have no innate musical talent. My mother forced cello lessons on me, but I had no sense of the instrument whatsoever (At first, I tried to blow into it like a horn.) I later became very close to my cello and my mom, worried, took it away from me.

20) I love to cook. Frozen pizzas, mainly. Sometimes I improvise and add extra toppings that weren’t originally supposed to be on the pizza. I consider myself quite a “foodie” – I mean, I really eat a lot of it every day. I’m also quite a “beerie” and a “vodka-ie” (is that what you call them – seems awkward?)

21) My butt hurts! I mean ALL the time! Dumb doctor says it is “stress.” What kind of stress does my butt have?! The doctor never has an answer for that!

22) I’m a very angry person deep down. People can’t tell. Yet. I bet they figure it out.

23) I went through a phase in high school where I thought Robert McNamara was the “rad-est” thing since sliced bread. I dressed like Robert McNamara, I talked like Robert McNamara, did my hair like “McNam”. I would talk about the Cuban missile crisis as if I was there and acted like I had actual opinions about it (I wasn’t born yet!) I can’t believe I’m telling you all this, but I’ll bet my high school friends reading this are like “oh, wow, a lot of things make a lot more sense now!”

24) My very earliest memory is watching “Midnight Cowboy” with my brother and mother. I must’ve been, oh – 2 ½ or so. I didn’t really fully understand and appreciate it until I watched it again when I was about 7.

25) Whew – having trouble thinking of a last one… they do this one in magazines sometimes: What are my “turn ons?” Sexual intercourse (me doing), naked ladies, vaginas, oral sex (me receiving), My “turn offs?” Rotting flesh/gangrene, anything infected, puss, dog feces (really any feces), boils/sores/pimples/etc, etc.